A Night With the Decepticons
by iratepirate
Summary: After Soundwave saves Skywarp during battle, the seeker, with the help of Starscream, Thundercracker and some energon 'homebrew', throw the stoic communications officer a little thankyou party. Rated T? Mild innuendo, and general drunkeness... Updated!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used in this fic… 'nuff said.

Author's Note: I ran into an old friend today, haven't seen her in ages, and we started reminiscing about all the crazy antics we witnessed at the various parties we went along to during Year 12 and our university days. I can't believe some of the stuff that went on! It's funny, no matter which group of friends I went out with (and it's still the case, although slightly less extreme), people would always behave in the same way when they got drunk. There are the ones who go down early, those who take their time and generally end up causing some sort of scene, and then there are the quiet ones who sit in the corner drinking away, entertaining themselves by ripping up coasters, melting things, and making works of art from random objects. Anyway, after watching another season of Gen1 Transformers, I started thinking about what the Transformers would be like if they got together for a few frothies. It's about 1:30am and I can't sleep, so I figure I'll put my thoughts in writing. I apologize in advance…

**A Night with the Decepticons**

-2145 hours-

Gently, Soundwave placed Ravage onto his recharge berth and petted him affectionately. Establishing a mindlink, he spoke:

"_I have done all that I can for you, now you need to recharge and let your self-repair systems do their work."_

"_Soundwave, you do not need to worry,"_ came the unspoken reply,_ "I have sustained far worse in the past."_

_"Still…"_

A soft knocking at the door interrupted the silent conversation; Soundwave continued to look down at his creation.

"Enter," he stated coolly.

"Hey…Soundwave…"

Soundwave looked up and turning his head slightly, found Thundercracker standing nervously in the doorway.

"Hi, um, Skywarp and Starscream told me to get you, said they had a surprise for you or something…"

Soundwave's visor brightened, the last time Skywarp had a 'surprise' for him he found Laserbeak hanging upside down from a human transmission tower. Skywarp ended up in the infirmary two days later under 'mysterious' circumstances.

"Their request is denied" Soundwave responded, turning his attention back to his 'child'.

"Hey, is that Ravage…how is the little guy?" Thundercracker asked, moving to Soundwave's side.

"Status: improving" Soundwave replied simply.

_"Little Guy?"_

"Oh, good." Thundercracker reached out to pet the panther, Ravage snapped at him, and he quickly retracted his hand, "same old Ravage then…" he laughed uneasily.

_"Ravage…" _

_"What?!"_

"Anyway," Thundercracker continued pleadingly, "you have to come with me, they said I'm not to come back without you. They're waiting in the mess hall for us."

"Negative: I will remain here," Soundwave replied dispassionately, furtively clenching his fist.

"_Go on Soundwave,"_ Ravage prompted him tacitly, _"I don't need you hanging around here all concerned…"_

"_No Ravage, I'm not in the mood,"_ Soundwave responded in kind, _"they have something planned; Skywarp's a conniving bastard and I wouldn't trust Starscream as far as I can throw him. And as for Thundercracker, well he's so desperate to have some purpose in life he'll do anything those slagpiles tell him. I still don't know why I dragged Skywarp out when I went back for you today…"_

"Come on Soundwave…" Thundercracker begged.

_"Soundwave, if they do have something planned you'll be in close enough range to sense it, and think of the fun we can have in exacting revenge… If they're genuine, well, you might have fun anyway…"_

Revenge. Ravage had struck a chord deep in the energon pump of his hateful creator, his cold, monotone laugh echoing in the mind of the panther.

_"Maybe you're right, Ravage. If nothing else it will end his pathetic pleading…"_

"Invitation: Accepted," Soundwave informed the blue and white seeker.

"Great, to the mess hall then," Thundercracker stated happily, heading out of the Communication Officer's quarters and into the hallway.

Soundwave gave Ravage one last rub under the chin and followed him, silently chastising himself for giving in.

"Over there," Thundercracker said, pointing to the table at which Starscream and Skywarp sat. Soundwave stifled an irritated sigh.

Thundercracker led Soundwave through the crowded mess hall to the far corner of the room and sat happily with his companions, motioning for Soundwave to join them. Starscream smiled unnervingly at him as he took the remaining seat: between Skywarp and Starscream.

"State: purpose," Soundwave asked, his monotone voice masking the annoyance rising within.

"Here…" Skywarp said, holding out an energon cube to him.

Perplexed, Soundwave regarded the offering carefully, the pearlescent pink liquid giving off an unusually sinister glow.

"Elaborate" he droned harshly.

"Home brew…" Skywarp explained, offering the cube again, "Starscream and I set up a still and well…you saved my aft today so…" His voiced trailed off as Soundwave stared at him, his crimson visor hiding any sign of emotion.

An uncomfortable silence descended over the table; the three seekers exchanging anxious glances with one another, well aware of the fact that their minds were in all probability being invaded by their stoic companion. Slowly, Soundwave extended an arm and grasped the cube. Pausing briefly, he regarded the contents once again before taking a swig.

Soundwave could feel the liquid as it made it's way down his 'throat'; a mildly sweet taste accompanied by an intense burning sensation. His visor brightened momentarily.

"Hits the spot, don't it," Skywarp asked knowingly, producing another half dozen cubes from sub space.

"Affirmative" Soundwave replied, surreptitiously claming another four cubes for himself.

"Okay, so here's the deal…" Starscream spoke up, contributing further to the supply of heavy energon, "I plan on getting slagging wasted, and you're all coming down with me, right," his whining voice taking on it's cocky I'm-in-command tone.

"Totally trashed…" Thundercracker agreed, raising his cube.

"Smashed" Skywarp contributed.

"Maggotted" Thundercracker concluded, sculling the contents of the cube and taking another.

"Good…" Starscream said with a proud smile, before starting on a cube of his own. "Here Thundercracker, bet you can't scull another three cubes like that…"

* * *

-2320 hours-

Feet on the table and leaning back on his chair; Starscream surveyed the room with slightly glazed optics, searching for the ultimate dare.

"I know…" he said shrewdly, spotting Megatron deep in conversation with Shockwave, "I dare you to go over there and kiss Megatron…full on…right on the mouth…" he spoke slowly, partially for effect, partially because the electrical impulses between his mind and his vocaliser were finding it difficult to get through.

"Eech…no way man…thass juss gross…" Thundercracker replied. He smiled and flopped forward to wrap an arm around Skywarps's shoulders, seemingly hanging on in an attempt to stay upright.

"But ya know…" he said, a frown appearing on his face as if trying to concentrate, "I bet Stock…Sh…Shockwave would wanna tho" he stated, his arm making a somewhat flaccid attempt to point at the pair.

Starscream and Skywarp erupted in a fit of laughter, the two spilling a fair amount of energon as they rocked back and forth. Thundercracker continued to frown, mouth slightly ajar as he watched his friends, before finally deciding that he must have said something funny and joined the whooping chorus. Soundwave, seemingly void of a sense of humour, continued to disassemble the empty energon cubes before him, giving no indication he had even heard the exchange.

"Ohh yeah…gimmie some o' that hot blaster lovin'" Skywarp stammered between fits of laughter.

"ha ha...be all like…ha…mmm…Shockwave…your alt mode gets me so hot…ha ha" Starscream laughed, moving his hands over his body in an attempt to be sensual.

"Show me your gun, big boy…" Skywarp lilted,

"Oh Megatron…let me suck your cannon…"

"Uhh…guys…" Thundercracker interrupted, a look of confusion spreading across his face, "howss he gonna do that?" he asked, pressing his index finger to his temple, seemingly deep in thought.

"Whaddya mean, Cracker?" Starscream asked; the confused look obviously contagious. Skywarp continued to snigger as he started on another energon cube.

"Well…" he paused, carefully considering his words, "he hasn't gotta face so…"

"Oh…" Starscream looked down and studied his fingers, slightly disappointed with this revelation.

"Maybe…maybe he can't suck his cannon," he reasoned, "but maybe he can get Megatron hot some other way…"

"Gamma ray" Soundwave contributed emotionlessly, not looking up from his energon cube.

Momentary silence enveloped the group as their inebriated minds attempted to grasp the magnitude of the event they had just witnessed. Soundwave…making a joke…

The three seekers degenerated into hysterics, their bodies wracked with uncontrollable laughter.

"GAMMA RAY" Skywarp hooted, head buried in his arm and pounding the table.

"ha ha…stop it…ha ha" Starscream pleaded, before toppling backwards off his chair.

* * *

-0035 hours-

Tundercracker, chin in palm and leaning heavily on the table, watched unblinking as Soundwave drained the contents of another energon cube.

"I love you man…" he told the navy blue mech in a dazed tone. Soundwave ignored him. He then turned to Starscream, "I love you too man,,,"

"Yeah, whatever…" Starscream replied, dismissively, "You love Skywarp too?"

"Yeah…hesss a legend…I need more energon…" Thundercracker stood woozily and staggered towards the bar, stopping momentarily to declare his love for Ramjet and Dirge.

"Hey, TC, we got energon here," Skywarp called after him, "meh…I guess he'll work it out…hey, I've got an idea…"

"Some mechs just can't handle their energon…" Starscream commented, shaking his head sadly.

"Well, you did dare him to scull a fair amount" Skywarp laughed in reply as he produced a can of oil from sub space and proceeded to lubricate the two cubes awaiting Thundercracker's return, "you know he'll do whatever…"

"Shh…" Starscream interrupted him, cocking his head to the side, "Oh, I love this song…"

Downing the remains of his energon and pushing the cube into Skywarp's hands, Starscream climbed awkwardly onto the table. Taking a moment to gain his balance, he proceeded to sing loudly, playing along on his air guitar.

"Cracker's not the only one who can't handle his energon…" Skywarp remarked smugly, "you wanna shut up, you're killing my audio sensors."

"What you say, Warp?" Starscream asked angrily, rounding on his wingmate.

"I said, you sound like slag, so shut it…" Skywarp replied, an evil smile spreading across his face.

"Thought so…" Starscream said, before launching himself at the black and purple seeker.

Starscream hit the floor, hard, taking Skywarp's vacated chair with him.

"ha ha ha…suck slag, Starscream, forget about my warping ability?" Skywarp laughed, hovering just above his sprawled victim.

"Why you…" Starscream began, lunging at Skywarp, only to have him warp out of his reach again. "You slagging bastard, get back here" Starscream cried angrily, chasing the warping seeker around the mess hall, tripping over chairs and other mechs as he went.

Meanwhile, Thundercracker returned to the table and sat down next to Soundwave, empty-handed.

"Whassss up with those two…hey energon…" he said distractedly, reaching for one of the energon cubes waiting on the table for him.

Taking another swig, Soundwave watched with hidden amusement as Thundercracker, face furrowed, attempted to grasp the cubes before him, each slipping further away from him as he closed his fingers around them…

* * *

-0225 hours-

A gurgled snore escaped the gaping mouth of Thundercracker; the drunken mech having succumbed to energon induced sleep now lay limply back on his chair, head back and arms dangling. Empty energon cubes littered the table and floor, several of which had been stacked, moulded or simply disassembled by the stoic Soundwave.

"I like thhissone Ssoundwave…" Starscream drawled, picking up an energon cube that had been shaped into something resembling a ziggurat, "what you reckon…Skyyywarp?"

"Nah…thasss…s…slag…" Skywarp replied blearily, examining the mangled creations before him, "this onesss better…". He lifted a cone-shaped formation and attempted to balance it, point down, on top of a stack of empty energon cubes.

"Haaa!" Starscream laughed drunkenly, "Yooou wouldntknow art…if it…if it…hityou in th head…" He turned away from Skywarp in mock disgust, his movements slow and exaggerated.

"Tell 'im…Ssoundwave…" he pushed, leaning towards his companion, "…tell Warp he doesn't know wotthes talking about…" Starscream looked groggily towards Soundwave, waiting enthusiastically for his reply.

"…"

"C'mon Sounds…tell im" he asked again pleadingly. He exchanged a glance with Skywarp before turning back to the communications officer.

"Hey…Soundwave buddy…" Starscream questioned, prodding the navy mech with his energon cube ziggurat, "you ok…?"

Soundwave's visor was dim and began to flicker slightly. Motionless, he sat staring at an unidentified point before him, arms hanging limply at his sides. Suddenly, the upper half of his body began to fall forward, his head building up momentum before landing heavily on the table where it remained, forehead down.

Starscream looked groggily down at his unconscious comrade and smiled lopsidedly.

"I think…" he stopped, then started again, waving his finger in the air knowingly, "_I _think someonesss had a biddtoomuchhh to drink…" he slurred, before turning away to throw up.

"I think you have too…" Skywarp laughed weakly, leaning heavily on the table, head centimetres from its surface.

"You have…" Starscream responded from somewhere below the table.

"_You_ have…"

"Have not…"

"Have too"

"Nooo…you have…" Starscream retorted, sitting up slowly as the room began to spin around him, "…Whoa…ok…I have…" he conceded, smiling feebly.

"Time to go…?" Skywarp asked as he carefully stood, surveying the damage proudly.

"Yep" Starscream replied with a smile. Grasping a chair for support, Starscream eased himself into a standing position, swaying dangerously as he did so. "You got Cracker?"

"Uh huh…" Skywarp intoned as grasped the sleeping seeker under the shoulder and awkwardly lifted him to his feet.

"I'm up, I'm up!" Thundercracker suddenly exclaimed, eyes snapping open.

"…deeecided to join us again…huh?" Skywarp asked sarcastically as he tightened his grip on Thundercracker's waist in an attempt to steady him.

"…mmmhmm…would you stop spinning like that…?"

Content that they weren't going to fall for the time being, the pair watched in amusement as Starscream, 'ziggurat' in one hand, attempted to lift the unconscious Soundwave onto his feet. First he tried to lift him under the shoulder, then, finding that the stack of energon cubes was in his way, turned Soundwave's chair towards him, Soundwave falling forward as he did so. Hand under Soundwave's arm, Starscream pulled the unconscious mech upwards; uncooperatively Soundwave fell forwards again, and Starscream found himself practically hugging the guy. Setting the mech back in his chair, Starscream considered his predicament carefully, a puzzled look spreading across his face. Using his free hand, he lifted Soundwave's head and pushed him back into a normal sitting position. He stood back and surveyed his handiwork, Skywarp and Thundercracker giggling quietly behind him. He then moved to try again, and found to his surprise that Soundwave was rising up to meet him. Or rather, he was falling…

"Hey…you 'right down there?" Skywarp laughed giddily as Starscream flailed about in an attempt to extricate himself from a somewhat compromising position.

"Oh did you see that…did you see it…I totally fell over…" he replied with a hissed laugh, taking Skywarp's extended hand and hauling himself up.

Clumsily, Skywarp and Thundercracker lifted Soundwave to his feet. Placing the ziggurat carefully on his head, Starscream steadied himself, and, with both hands now free, wrapped Soundwave's arms around his neck and hoisted him onto his back, piggyback style.

"lesss go home…" Thundercracker slurred drowsily, leaning once again on Skywarp's shoulder. After a momentary appraisal of the night's efforts, the quartet of wasted mechs turned and slowly made their way back to their quarters.

* * *

Author's Note: It's now 3:52 am and this is the result of my sleep deprivation… Before anyone says "but Soundwave would never get drunk", I say go and watch the Gen1 episode "Microbots". Anyway, I hope you derived some enjoyment from this, please review, and if you want more, let me know – hangovers are always fun… On the other hand, if you feel the need, flame…I think it may deserve it… Cheers! iratepirate 


	2. Chapter 2 Crime and Punishment

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this fic; I'm just playing in the toy box…

Author's note: Have you ever woken up after a night on the grog and regretted your actions? I have once, and I highly recommend avoiding head banging near furniture and video cameras because of it… C'mon, admit it! To be honest, I'm not so sure about this chapter; I'm starting to think that maybe I should have left it at Chapter 1. But the ideas were there, and, not being able to sleep as usual, I decided to put them into words. So, in the words of Spongebob, here is "part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2 part 2!" Sorry, always wanted to do that!!

* * *

**A Night With the Decepticons – Crime and Punishment**

by iratepirate

…Systems loading…

Soundwave 'woke' slowly; his body ached and his head swam nauseatingly, as if someone had decided to use it as a washing machine. He was laying face down on something cold and hard…it wasn't his recharge bed…possibly the floor?

"Soundwave"

"_Hey, Soundwave"_

"_Wake up, Soundwave"_

"_Wakey wakey"_

"_Cybertron to Soundwave…do you read me?"_

"_Oi, Soundwave"_

"_We know you can hear us Soundwave"_

"_Yeah, don't be such a snob"_

"_One last chance…you gonna wake up?"_

"_Right, you asked for it…ready Rumble?"_

"_Ready Frenzy. Ready Soundwave?"_

"_LA LA LA LA YOU HAVE A HANGOVER LA LA LA LA"_

"_Rumble. Frenzy. SHUT THE SLAG UP"_

"_Sorry Soundwave"_

"_Yeah, Sorry Soundwave"_

"_But you know, it's rude to ignore…"_

Soundwave lifted his mental barriers as far as his inebriated mind would allow, partially severing the mindlink with his obnoxious creations. He had hoped that in doing so he would save himself the agony of having to 'listen' to what sounded like a stadium-full of Rumbles and Frenzys shouting directly into his audio sensors. Unfortunately, his efforts resulted only in a mixture of feedback and static, studded with the sound of half-a-stadium-full of Rumbles and Frenzys shouting directly into his audio sensors. He groaned silently to himself.

…Audio Sensors Online….

A deep rumbling sound joined the cacophony of noise already thumping unceremoniously around in his mind; apparently, there was a primitive human tractor idling loudly beside him…

…Optic Sensors Online…

Ravage. His eldest and most loyal creation. And seemingly, judging by his continued purring, the most evil.

"_Ravage: Desist." _

He rolled over and stared up at the ceiling; it defiantly didn't belong to his quarters, he didn't have posters of femmes in suggestive poses messily gaffer-taped to his ceiling…where the slag was he? He turned his head slowly, the movement sending another wave of nausea through him, his vision blurring slightly. He lifted his arm and held a hand over his face, certain that any sudden movements would result in him puking his internals up.

"So you've finally decided to join us then," a deep voice commented wearily. Slowly, Soundwave tilted his head towards the source of the sarcastic comment, and after a few moments of haziness, his optic sensors displayed the form of Skywarp, sitting slumped against the wall.

"Skywarp eject: operation: kill me," Soundwave droned, swallowing hard on what felt like the contents of his fuel tanks making an escape charge.

"Soundwave, as much as killing you would bring me no greater joy, right now is not the best time for me," Skywarp replied in a slightly dazed tone, "if you'll let me take a raincheck though…"

"I hate you all," Soundwave commented in reply, painfully dragging himself into a sitting position. He drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself, resting his head on his right knee. Ravage rubbed affectionately against his master and settled down beside him.

Soundwave allowed his mind wander as he watched Frenzy throwing random objects at Skywarp and Thundercracker; he hated being unaware of his actions, and his current state wasn't making his attempts to unscramble his memory banks any easier. After a few frustrating moments, his already clouded thoughts were interrupted once again by Frenzy and Rumble, this time in the form of vocalised singing and other random loud noises, including the sound of Frenzy drumming on the back of Skywarp's head:

"Hava hangover, hava hangover, lalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"

Skywarp cast a dark glare at the Communications Officer:

"Soundwave, tell those two geeks of yours to shut the slag up and get lost or I'm gonna tear them both a new tailpipe" Skywarp growled angrily, arm flailing in an attempt to swat his attacker.

"Wassa matter, Warpy, feelin' a little seedy are we?" Rumble teased, dancing just beyond Skywarp's grasp.

"You want a fight, do you?" Skywarp spat, leaning on all fours and easing himself into a standing position.

"C'mon, bring it on junk pile," Frenzy challenged him, taking his place by his brother's side.

"Rumble, Frenzy," Soundwave interjected wearily, "leave it."

"_Killjoy,"_ Frenzy threw back tacitly.

"Ahh…don't you love a good fight in the morning?" Thundercracker chimed cheerily, watching the exchange from the other side of the room.

"How come you don't have a slagging hangover?" Skywarp asked grumpily, casting a dark glare at Thundercracker, "if I wasn't about to throw up I'd come over and thrash you like an Autobot…"

"No, I'd thrash you because I'm better than you…which is why I don't have a hangover and you do," Thundercracker replied audaciously. "Now shut up and drink this," he said cheerfully, offering both Skywarp and Soundwave a liquid-filled cube each, "one sure-fire hangover cure."

Skywarp regarded the thick, brown mixture with contempt, large bubbles bursting on the mud-like surface as he tilted it form side to side.

"You slagging bastard Thundercracker," Skywarp told him, offering the cube back.

"But you haven't tried it yet," Thundercracker responded with a smirk.

Skywarp took a cautious sip of the murky concoction, his face instantly contorting into a grimace.

"You slagging bastard Thundercracker," he spluttered, throwing the cube in Thudercracker's general direction, it's contents redecorating the room, giving it a globulus lava lamp feel. Soundwave pushed his cube aside.

"So where the slag are we?" Soundwave asked, gingerly rubbing the back of his head.

"These are my quarters," Skywarp replied, "not too sure how we got here though…last thing I remember was leaving the mess hall, you were out cold…the rest is all kinda blurry." He paused, waiting for the room to stop spinning, "must have been a good night," he shrugged.

"So this dent in my arm then?" Soundwave questioned, taking note of the mystery injury to his right forearm. He traced a finger around the indentation and prodded the small hole at its centre. "_Shouldn't have done that, slag that smarts…_" He looked up at his companions accusingly.

"Uhh…I think that might have been Starscream…vaguely remember him dropping you or something…" Skywarp laughed uneasily, "hey, where is Starscream anyway?"

"Ain't seen 'im all morning," Rumble offered cautiously, "wasn't in his quarters when we went 'round looking for Soundwave either."

"Yeah, like he's gonna be opening the door to you two metal morons if he's got a hangover," Skywarp responded harshly, throwing the cassette a look of contempt.

"Trust me, ain't no one in there," Rumble assured him, "after waitin' a while Frenzy here gotta little impatient and kicked the door in. Oh yeah, you're gonna need a new door too, Thundercracker," he laughed, Frenzy giving Thundercracker a grin and a double thumbs-up in confirmation.

"Slagging junk piles," Thundercracker spat in reply to this titbit of information.

"We asked 'round, no one's seen 'im," Frenzy stated, ignoring Thundercracker's contribution to the conversation.

"Possible location: infirmary," Soundwave suggested, now sitting back against the wall. "_It wouldn't be the first time Starscream had ended up there after a night on the energon_," he thought to himself, suppressing a chuckle as he recalled a recent incident involving a null-ray and a dare from Skywarp.

"Nope, looked there first. After seeing the impressive state you guys were in last night we were certain that you'd end up in a bar fight," Rumble informed them.

"Or stumbling off a cliff," Frenzy continued. "Starscream ain't nowhere on the base."

"Oh slag," Thundercracker exclaimed with a nervous laugh, "we've lost the slagging Air Commander."

"Gee, Megatron's gonna be happy with you guys," Rumble snickered.

"Ooo…high five for sarcasm bro," Frenzy laughed, slapping hands with his sibling like a pair of humans.

"Hey, TC, what's that orange crap on your hands?" Skywarp asked, ignoring the twins and pointing at the spatters on his comrade's fingers. He looked down and examined his own hands, "look, I have it too…"

"Looks like paint," Thundercracker shrugged, still slightly panicked by the thought of Megatron blaming them for Starscream's disappearance. His apprehension wasn't being helped Frenzy's sudden case of the giggles.

"Oh, man, you didn't," Rumble stammered, erupting in a fit of laughter.

"Didn't what?" Skywarp asked suspiciously.

Rumble cast a knowing glance at his guffawing brother before responding, "Someone did some…ahh…redecorating…last night," he laughed, "we sent Lazerbeak to suss out the damage. Oh you're gonna love this… Yo Laserbeak, return," he hooted, speaking into his commlink.

"You guys are gonna get it so bad," Frenzy informed them, bent double with laughter.

Moments later, Laserbeak swooped gracefully into the room and transforming into cassette mode, landed in Rumble's hand.

"Here," Rumble stammered, trying desperately to regain his sobriety, "play this Soundwave."

Soundwave stood carefully and taking Laserbeak from Rumble, inserted the cassette into his chest cavity. Fine, snowy static soon gave way to brightly coloured images of locations across the base, each illustrating a scene of chaos as throngs of Decepticons stood angrily surveying the orange additions to the steely-blue walls.

"Oh slag…we didn't," Skywarp breathed, taking in the images with ever-increasing fear.

"You did…" Rumble confirmed between snorts of laughter.

It seemed that in their drunken state, someone had decided that it would be a good idea to paint likenesses of their Decepticon brethren all over the walls. Unfortunately, that someone had also thought that it would be a good idea to paint those likenesses performing rather 'distasteful' acts with other likenesses, capped off nicely with slogans such as 'Bonecrusher loves Vortex", "Mixmaster for Hook", "Astrotrain loves Blitzwing", and "Megatron sucks tailpipes." Skywarp and Thundercracker looked at one another, both visibly shaken by this revelation.

"Oh, Primus…" Thundercracker muttered in fear_ "Oh Primus_,". He looked up at Soundwave and Skywarp, and then down at Rumble and Frenzy rolling in hysterics on the floor.

"Thundercracker, Skywarp: suggest you seek refuge immediately," Soundwave recommended, his monotone voice displaying no emotion.

"What do you mean _Thudercracker and I_ seek refuge," Skywarp questioned, his voice rising in pitch and volume, "you're just as guilty as we are."

Soundwave looked up from the screen on his chest, "Negative: you informed me I was 'out cold'," he stated simply, a slight hint of smugness colouring his voice.

"Sorry, Soundwave, guilt by association," Skywarp told him, "if we're going down, you're coming down with us."

"Well, actually, ha ha," Frenzy stammered, pointing to the image on screen, "I don't think…ha ha… 'guilt by association"…ha ha… would pay off anyway."

"What?" Soundwave questioned, slightly startled. He looked down at his chest again and saw to his horror a large painting of Megatron, locking lips with Optimus Prime whilst having his leg humped 'earth doggy style' by Shockwave. The image itself would have been hilarious under normal circumstances; however, it was the small 'SW' in neat, measured handwriting signed at the bottom that caused the Communications Officer to drop his normally stoic demeanour and gasp a-loud.

"Oh _slag…_"

Had Rumble and Frenzy not been reduced to a blithering mess of hysterics, they would have detected the rare waves of panic, embarrassment and self-disgust emanating from their creator. Ravage, on the other hand, did notice. More concerning, however, were the more common waves of lust for revenge. Revenge against those who got him drunk. And those that had encouraged him. Silently, Ravage made his exit.

"First we slagging lose Starscream, now this," Thundercracker laughed fearfully, "what the slag were we thinking?"

"Well, ha ha…if you're gonna piss off Megatron you may as well do it properly," Rumble hooted from his position on the floor. Frenzy slapped his brother on the back in appreciation of this comment, laughing uncontrollably.

Skywarp cast a look of fearful resignation at Soundwave and Thundercracker, shaking his head slowly, "We're gonna be lynched, aren't we?"

Soundwave nodded silently in reply; Frenzy lost control of his lubrication valve, and Rumble laughed even harder as he attempted to roll away from the growing pool of liquid spreading across the floor.

* * *

Meanwhile…

In a small coastal village to the south of Decepticon Headquarters sat a small row of neat little cottages, each with a pretty garden displaying a selection of colourful cottage flowers. Walking along this particular row of cottages, one would be overwhelmed with welcoming warmth; the freshly-painted picket fences, the winding cobble-stone paths, even the small assortment of garden gnomes and other trinkets sitting in amongst the flowers, gave the impression that the residents of this neighbourhood were good, kind people.

However, in all streets such as this there is always one house that stands out from the others, one house that stands as a shining beacon of perfection for which all of the other residents, in the view of the owners that is, should strive. And in this particular street, that house belonged to Mr and Mrs Morse.

Mr and Mrs Morse were an elderly couple of the upper-class, and had lived in this cottage for most of their married life. They stood as they did most mornings staring through the gap in the lace curtains, spying on the neighbours, taking note of any imperfections, be they visual, behavioural or otherwise. Like their garden, both were immaculate in appearance, the plump Mrs Morse wearing a cheery floral dress, her silver hair permed and styled just so, and beside her, Mr Morse, wearing a neat shirt and dress pants, round glasses adorning his round, moustached face.

How they enjoyed criticising their neighbours; the faults of others only served to highlight their perfection, something that was very, _very_ important to them. They revelled in their flawlessness; perfect house, perfect garden, perfect clothing; perfect life. But on this particular morning, however, things were _not_ perfect.

Mr and Mrs Morse had a problem. A _big_ problem. And its name was Starscream.

"Turn the sprinklers on it," Mrs Morse demanded of her husband, gazing out with disdain at the unconscious mech lying in amongst her petunias. It wasn't the first time that the couple had found an a drunkard passed out in their front yard, and although generally they were in the form of the teenagers from the next street over and not a mechanical space-alien, the fact remained that the creature was, or at least had been, inebriated. "Disgusting behaviour…" she sniffed.

"But the water restrictions, my love," Mr Morse replied meekly, cowering as he looked out at the robot, "we're only allowed to use buckets. What if old Mrs Johnstone sees us…she'd have a field day," he reasoned, visibly frazzled.

"And what if she sees this thing crushing my prize-winning petunias?" Mrs Morse snapped in reply, rounding on her husband with an air of sophisticated grace. "Turn the sprinklers on him…"

Starscream woke with a start as a sudden torrent of cold water rained down on him, rattling noisily on his metal exoskeleton.

"Wh…what the slag…?" he mumbled angrily, sitting up and pointing his null-ray at nothing in particular. Spitting out a mouthful of mulch he looked around groggily, taking in his surroundings through burring optics. "_How the slag did I get here?_" He paused momentarily in thought, massaging his temples in attempt to sooth the headache growing rapidly by the minute. "Slagging Skywarp," he concluded aloud.

Gut-wrenching nausea washed over him as he stood slowly, and it wasn't long before Starscream found himself bent double, leaning heavily on his knees purging his tanks all over the perfectly manicured garden beneath him.

"You there," an angry, high-pitched voice called from somewhere behind him, "get off of my petunias!"

"Wh…what?" Starscream turned his head slowly and found to his disgust two humans behind him, an elderly woman standing with hands on hips, face fixed with an angry glare, and an elderly man, cowering behind her.

"That's right, I'm talking to you," the woman barked, "get off of my petunias and go back to wherever you came from, you filthy animal. We don't want _your_ kind here."

Starscream regarded the humans with contempt, his face contorting into an evil snarl.

"Puny flesh creature," Starscream responded harshly, spitting in her general direction partially for effect, partially to get rid of the foul taste in his mouth.

"Why you despicable…" Mrs Morse began, taking a couple of steps towards Starscream.

"Look fleshling," Starscream cut her off irritably, "I have a slagging hangover. All I want to do is sleep it off, and here you are, spraying me with water and yelling at me." He drew himself up to his full height and glared menacingly down at the elderly fools.

"So here's what I think of your slagging petunias;" he lifted his foot and proceeded to crush them angrily, "and here's what I think of you," he continued, lifting his null-ray. Laughing weakly, he watched with blurred vision as the two humans scurried for the shelter of their home.

"Don't think your inferior human architecture will protect you, stupid fleshlings," he called after them. Blasting a large hole in the front wall of the cottage with his null-ray, Starscream stumbled off into the distance, hurling a string of Cybertronian and Earthen expletives at anyone or anything that passed him by.

* * *

Megatron had an apoplectic fit; the sound of the proverbial pitchforks being sharpened could be heard all the way from Decepticon HQ to a small coffee shop in the northern suburbs of Adelaide, South Australia.

Security footage had betrayed the four mechs – it turned out that Starscream had been the mastermind behind the art exhibition and Soundwave had indeed regained consciousness long enough to contribute – and three of them, Soundwave, Skywarp and Thundercracker, now found themselves being berated by Megatron with an angry audience looking on.

"Incompetent fools," he bellowed with malice, "your insubordination will not be tolerated and you will be punished." His claret optics burned malevolently as he glared at his three lieutenants, his arm-mounted cannon humming ominously. Unfortunately for Starscream, he chose this moment to stumble into the room, and found himself greeted by a laser-blast to the chest. Whoops of vengeful approval rang out from the throng of onlookers as Starscream stumbled backwards and landed heavily on his aft, his open wound smouldering slightly.

"As for you three," Megatron continued, holding out a powerful hand to silence the crowd behind him, "you are to scrub the base from top to bottom. Every corridor, every room, every corner. Spotless. When you have finished with that, you will remain on night-duties until further notice."

A hushed buzz of dissent filled the room at Megatron's decree, the mumbled conversations little more than disconnected words to the audio sensors of all but Soundwave. Lifting his hand again, Megatron turned and addressed the throng, his voice cold and stern:

"I know that you all want your revenge, and rightly so. But now is not the time. We cannot afford to lose four highly ranked officers to petty in fighting. I have dealt out appropriate punishments, and that is the end of it. Anyone found taking the law into their own hands _will_ be punished."

Ramjet, disgruntled with the lack of violence involved in punishment and still mighty pissed about being accused of 'playing the meat in a Dirge and Thrust sandwich', ignored the warning and threw a laser beam in the direction of Soundwave. Megatron gave Starscream a companion to smoulder with in response.

Ignoring the howls of pain coming from his latest victim, Megatron turned to face his insubordinate officers once more, an evil smile pulling at his lips, "that said…" he spoke quietly, once again addressing the crowd behind, " I do not have any qualms about any accidental spills that may occur, or about messy quarters that someone might be 'too busy' to clean..."

Items of rubbish suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere, the Decepticon's lust for revenge seemingly giving them a great opportunity to clean out their sub-space pockets. Empty energon cubes, spent cartridges, even a couple festering human carcasses all of sudden found themselves spread across the room. Thundercracker shot Skywarp and Soundwave a look of annoyance as the pile of crap grew before their very optics.

* * *

"This is all your fault, Starscream," Thundercracker spat as he dipped the human-sized toothbrush into a bucket of soapy water and resumed scrubbing.

"Shut up TC, at least you don't have a slagging hole in your chest," Starscream responded in a pained voice, leaning heavily on the wall in an attempt to gain some sympathy.

"Don't be such a slagging wimp, Screamer," Skywarp called angrily, not looking up from the spot he was scrubbing.

"You want a matching hole, junk pile?" Starscream retorted, throwing his toothbrush at Skywarp and hitting Thundercracker instead.

"I'll give you another slagging hole if you do that again"

"You want a missile up your tailpipe?"

"Go screw yourself"

"Get slagged"

Ignoring the exchange going on beside him, Soundwave stood in silence, methodically scrubbing at the wall. Despite his calm exterior, Soundwave's mind was working overtime. For a master of emotion, the humiliation of this punishment was easily suppressed and of little concern. It was the situation itself that had his mind reeling, for it brought about a great opportunity ripe for exploitation. Silently, he laughed to himself, Ravage had been right: revenge would be fun.

* * *

So there you have it. And I must admit, it's a nice feeling to have completed it, even if it is dodgy; it's the first work I've finished in quite some time!

Please read and review (thankyou to those of you who have already), and let me know if you spot any errors etc… Cheers :) iratepirate


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